The Elephant in the Room
I am the maternal friend - the mother of every friendship group I've ever been a part of. I have grown to accept that. I always have been and always will be. Now that can be both amazing and extremely stressful. Like every mother, I worry. My problem is that I worry too much and often for too many 'children' I guess? I don't view my friends as 'children' at all so I guess I just view them as more vulnerable than what everyone else views them as. Part of the benefits of being a friend is that you get to see past that wall, barricade, shell (whatever analogy you'd like to use). You see into their real person and that can be so beautiful and so painful at the same time. You know their soft spots, their weaknesses and you are always watching out that nothing and no-one hits them in these vulnerable spots. Like pressure points in your body, they can make you cripple. Likewise you see their true beauty through their passions, emotions and secret life goals. However, like the mother I am, I spend too much time worrying about their vulnerability not their strengths. Sometimes I can be that overbearing friend, the one who cares too much, too quick. Sometimes I want to have that deep conversation sooner than you are ready to have it. Sometimes I dislike people because I think they are a bad influence on you or I can see what pain they are causing you. Like a mother I don't want them in your life tearing you apart and pulling you down. Sometimes that's too much. Often I have to remember... I am your friend not your big sister and not your mother.
I was always the 'bossy' kid at school. I made the rules of the games and when decisions had to be made, people looked at me to delegate. Even now in group work activities the other members give me the 'you're speaking' stare. I think it's more than that though. I think I recognised my maternal instinct when my little brother was came into my life. I helped around the house more, helped him with his homework and this heightened when my parents got divorced. I wanted to prove that we didn't need a man in the the house for anything. Really, I became his second mum! When I hit secondary school mental health was a fairly new subject and I had friends who self-harmed who often turned to me to lay their burdens on. I could handle it. I always could. It was in me. I am caring, I put others first and I am reliable. Soothing words to make people feel better come naturally to me... but what happens when the mother breaks?
I'll tell you. You feel useless, fragile and worthless. You have spent your whole life fixing, repairing and putting plasters on other people's wounds and problems that you have neglected you own and now it's infected. Now you need rest but you can't neglect others or they might break again so you push through the pain and keep mending as your wound becomes bigger, inflamed and unconcealable. People start to notice. You're hurt. You're damaged. You need to heal. People can see your injury and stop asking you for help. Now you are the vulnerable one. You were once so comfortable talking about it but now you feel guilty and ashamed. After all, you let it get this way. Your wound doesn't look like anyone else's so they can't be the same injury. Tell me does every graze happen in the same place? Are they the same size? Do they all scar? No. So why should the same mental illnesses come with the exact same symptoms? Your physical health fluctuates and so does your mental health. Some days you have 'just a wee cold' and other days you have a flu. Sometimes you have a lifelong condition that you have to fight and other times it's just a returning cold every once in a while. It can be so frustrating because you put yourself under so much strain for others to heal and now that you can't do the healing anymore or yourself or for them so what is your purpose? First of all, you can't pour from an empty cup. A doctor who has a virus can't help patients but they will get better and you can refill the cup. Don't give yourself such a hard time! You just need time to repair and from now on whilst you continue to care for others remember to care for yourself. You can still help other people but don't be upset when friends give you the space from trauma that you probably need... They know you too.
So borrow that book from the library and read it. Watch that series you never seem to be able to watch. Take a day off uni or work if you need it (but don't make a habit of this one). Take that bath with the Lush bath bomb that's been lying on your shelf since last Christmas. Sometimes we need to take time for ourselves and there is no shame in that but you don't need to break before you take that time. If you keep the tap flowing at a steady pace and you pour from your cup at a steady pace, the water content remains the same. When you start to pour more than you're taking in, that's when you feel the pressure. Don't let your cup empty. You need that water too.
On that note, I am working on looking after myself at the minute, something I have neglected for a long time but I am getting better at it. If you are going through a trialling period in your life, NEVER hesitate in reaching out to me. As long as I care for myself, there is always room to care for one more friend too.
“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.”
― Maya Angelou
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I was always the 'bossy' kid at school. I made the rules of the games and when decisions had to be made, people looked at me to delegate. Even now in group work activities the other members give me the 'you're speaking' stare. I think it's more than that though. I think I recognised my maternal instinct when my little brother was came into my life. I helped around the house more, helped him with his homework and this heightened when my parents got divorced. I wanted to prove that we didn't need a man in the the house for anything. Really, I became his second mum! When I hit secondary school mental health was a fairly new subject and I had friends who self-harmed who often turned to me to lay their burdens on. I could handle it. I always could. It was in me. I am caring, I put others first and I am reliable. Soothing words to make people feel better come naturally to me... but what happens when the mother breaks?
I'll tell you. You feel useless, fragile and worthless. You have spent your whole life fixing, repairing and putting plasters on other people's wounds and problems that you have neglected you own and now it's infected. Now you need rest but you can't neglect others or they might break again so you push through the pain and keep mending as your wound becomes bigger, inflamed and unconcealable. People start to notice. You're hurt. You're damaged. You need to heal. People can see your injury and stop asking you for help. Now you are the vulnerable one. You were once so comfortable talking about it but now you feel guilty and ashamed. After all, you let it get this way. Your wound doesn't look like anyone else's so they can't be the same injury. Tell me does every graze happen in the same place? Are they the same size? Do they all scar? No. So why should the same mental illnesses come with the exact same symptoms? Your physical health fluctuates and so does your mental health. Some days you have 'just a wee cold' and other days you have a flu. Sometimes you have a lifelong condition that you have to fight and other times it's just a returning cold every once in a while. It can be so frustrating because you put yourself under so much strain for others to heal and now that you can't do the healing anymore or yourself or for them so what is your purpose? First of all, you can't pour from an empty cup. A doctor who has a virus can't help patients but they will get better and you can refill the cup. Don't give yourself such a hard time! You just need time to repair and from now on whilst you continue to care for others remember to care for yourself. You can still help other people but don't be upset when friends give you the space from trauma that you probably need... They know you too.
So borrow that book from the library and read it. Watch that series you never seem to be able to watch. Take a day off uni or work if you need it (but don't make a habit of this one). Take that bath with the Lush bath bomb that's been lying on your shelf since last Christmas. Sometimes we need to take time for ourselves and there is no shame in that but you don't need to break before you take that time. If you keep the tap flowing at a steady pace and you pour from your cup at a steady pace, the water content remains the same. When you start to pour more than you're taking in, that's when you feel the pressure. Don't let your cup empty. You need that water too.
On that note, I am working on looking after myself at the minute, something I have neglected for a long time but I am getting better at it. If you are going through a trialling period in your life, NEVER hesitate in reaching out to me. As long as I care for myself, there is always room to care for one more friend too.
“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.”
― Maya Angelou
NPK x
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